Up in the mountain

I wanna be in the mountains spending time with the Lord. Sometimes I find it hard because of things distracting me.

It's really labor to be in the rest for me.

Especially when there are so many commitments that I have to pay. It's too overwhelming and I really don't know how to handle it.

Lord I struggle to want to release this into your big big hands. I can't understand why I can't let go and let you do it. Because I know I really can't but yet passing the baton to you seems hard also. Is this the self righteousness? I don't even know whether it's identified correctly

Really need alot of help in this area Lord, only you can help and I want your help.

Reminder to self : supply is from Jesus

Ok seriously, what kind of job do I want. Praise Jesus that He always abundantly supplies. Just received 2 calls for the positions that I applied for one was an instant offer, but it was really fast I couldn't react in time and decided to sleep it over the night first.

The other is in the midst of finalizing with the HR director. Which I was also keen but it took them so long to get back to me I kinda lost hope.

Both companies are equally good, and I would say that both present very good learning opportunities.

So now I'm confused again, Lord I need your guidance. I don't want to make the same mistake I made with the recruitment company.

Actually what I wanted was a simple job that I could do and clock the hours for the pay to pay my monthly bills. I'm not really looking to climb the corporate ladder or be in that rat race. But at the same time I want to be able to enjoy myself and have good fun whilst learning the new job.

But which job can I stay long, seems like the administrative position I would be able to stay longer. The noisy market one, I don't know, I'm curious to find out how the position works but I don't know if I would stay long given the working hours. But the product instrument definitely seems exciting for me. I may just not be bothered by the timing because I like the product in the first place. Plus the Ang mos seem nice enough with their eccentric behaviors.

Oh Lord, how? This decision left to me to decide is really difficult.

But either way or not, Jesus is still my supply, not the job. I have to keep reminding myself that.

This month's fruit received

Praise Jesus for His promises to me are always guaranteed, I remembered that I was writing it down that I want to see my fruit this month. And now I see it, while I was still believing for it, I didn't see anything at first. But I took it in faith, declared and believed that everyday I would have one transaction. And that has come to pass. For the pass 45 days, there has been a transaction everyday.

I'm overwhelmed by my Jesus love for me. He knows my desires, my needs, my wants. He knows me inside, ren the things about myself that I don't know.

My next stretch of faith is for 10 transactions a day. Have declared it already and I know that Jesus will bring it to pass.

:-)

Local based employers

My recent interviews in my job search have brought me to also apply for jobs in local based sme companies. Really I must say that their attitudes and the way that they carry themselves are really quite interesting.

Some things that really disturbed me was that they would ask personal questions like "do you have a boyfriend, what is your religion? Which church do you attend?" I find that this kind of information is not a requirement for the position that I applied for. How very unprofessional. Do this only happen in smes? Or perhaps I've only met a few of the not so very good companies.

Alright, it's decided. I'll only work for MNCs, where the corporate culture is more suitable for me. Questions ask during interviews are more work related and less personal. And it seems more on performance based which is perfect for me.

Local companies do their best to try and push down they basic salary they offer to you. Seriously, I would just like to say that if you want talent, you have to pay for it. If the person is talented and has very good skill sets why would they want to take a lower salary in the first place, not as if they own the company and willing to work for free. Really ridiculous. On top of that you have to work long hours.

Ok enough of my ranting on them. From now on no more sme companies. :)

Independent

I'm told by so and so to be fully independent on my own, financially and emotionally and in every area of my life.

My question now is, then why do I want to get married with someone in the first place? Should I just be alone on my own? Oh man confused...

Felt quite sad to hear this. That this person wants me to be like this. Then how if we are married how? Are we going to live separately? Are we going to have separate lives? I actually feel hurt to know this.

What is his real agenda for marrying me?

Today I happen to bump into him and his brother at the Chinese restaurant we frequent in orchard. We were all surprised to see each other. I'm not really excited to see his family at all now. After hearing from him that his mother tried to dissuade him from marrying me. Really feel like speaking expletives over her but I'll refrain from doing that. These people don't know what we go through and yet want to comment in other peoples lives.

Secretly the evil flesh hopes that they all don't make it for our wedding and that we have a peaceful one. But of course it's not possible because it's family. And it's not wise to not include them. Least they have something to say in the future.

I'm just going to leave this matter to Jesus.. He will take care of it.. Because my Jesus loves me

This person needs to get out of my head

Omg the constant voice of this person keeps rattling in my head. I need to get my thoughts focused on something else.

My dislike for this manager has ballooned over the past few days after leaving the company. I would really wish to erase them out of my mind. I think it's good for me not to put this company in my resume in the first place. What was I thinking man.

Seriously this recruitment company is like a total rip off. Plus the owner of the company is not very same. Can't wait to witness the collapse of them.

Operating by hiring newbies to the industry and giving them a low salary plus practicing a 20% pay cut when never hit target is absolutely disgusting. And to think I could even think that it's about the job fulfillment not the money. Well now I'm going to be honest with myself, I want the salary and I want to be paid well.

Oh might I add that the newbies hired don't take the pre requisite EA license before joining. I didn't know that it was a must for me to do it. Now I'm glad I left, won't know what would have happened to me. Clearly this company should not even be operating.

The owner squeezes the life out of his employees and drives a fancy posh car! Can you believe that. Everyone is slogging to help pay for his lifestyle.. I hope these pple can really see that.

Somethings really have to let go

hmm.. I don't want to lie to myself, but I'm still upset about the termination. I have never been terminated before and it just feels bitter. My flesh wishes that this person goes to hell and burns in eternity. However in reality that really won't be very nice to torture someone like that.

I have said what I need to say. Employers really hide whatever it is about the job until you really join them, spend time in the company to find out that it is all just a facade and they just paint a rosy picture to you.

Can't imagine, I wasn't told that I had to spend my one hour break lunching with my team mates. I wasn't told that everyday I would have a briefing after 6pm when my official work time ends at 6pm. I wasn't told that I had to actively and it's compulsory to join their team bonding activities. It's a recruitment company for goodness sake, how can they be that extreme. I'm not sure if it's part of the labour law but I think it's too much to bare for me.

He is the owner of the company, definitely his level of commitment is different from mine, I'm just the employee getting a certain wage per month. To me it's simple, I'll commit whatever working hours I need to commit and there after I will not be responsible for any other work.

Some managers really need to be removed. The problem is not the staff but the manager in this case as I see it. Clearly he has issues. The turnover rate is so high, I'm the 10th staff that has left this team not including other staff for the other team that left just last month.

The targets set is clearly impossible to meet for a newbie consultant like me. And yet I'm expected to produce within 2 weeks of joining them. It's really ridiculous. All I can remember is the short meeting I had with this manager was " I want to see your effort effort effort!". This guy seriously has issues.

Doubt the remaining teams members would be staying, given the under performance of the team. I think they are better off elsewhere.

I'm pissed because they terminated me faster than my resignation to them. My authority has been given away and I'm gonna claim it back!

I definitely have some issue with submitting to authority. People that I see are not worthy of me submitting to them, I will not give in. It seems that this authority thing is getting to me these few days. I really need Jesus for this, can't handle on my own.

Naza wedding photoshoot updates

Ok as promised here's one of our shots taken by photographer Ah you from Naza Taiwan. Highly recommend him! Especially for sun set shoots :-)

Despite all, my Jesus still conquers for me

Felt so loved today, my Jesus makes sure that I get everything I need for my work to function well.

When I need resumes he sends them to me, when I need job orders he sends to me also. When I need closures he sends them to me too!

I really really didn't have to put in any effort at all. I only had to enjoy my work process and Jesus did it all for me. Jesus I'm giving this month of march to you and you will definitely make sure that all this happens for your glory, for your name Jesus. Not mine. I didnt do much.

Loved loved loved

Submission to your Boss? to do or not to do?

I need alot of wisdom in this area. It's a constant challenge that I have especially when I'm employed. I find it very difficult to submit to authority. How should I handle this? 

My issue right now is the long hours that needs to be put in according to this particular manager of mine. However, I feel that I am more effective when I have ample rest and leave the office early.

There is only so much that a person can do in a day and only the Lord can make and bless the work of your hands. No one else. Even though you strive, it doesn't mean that you will succeed. My best formula is to rely on the Lord Jesus for my success and results. I want to rest in Him but I found it difficult to even rest this week. Came down with a fever so bad that I never felt like this before.

I was affected for sure. That this manager had high expectations of me, I didn't even ask for it. I definitely cannot perform this on my own. On my own, I'm just a failure with my own self effort. But this person wants to see my effort, wants to see my 100% commitment, wants to see that I produce 50 resumes a week. So ridiculous! That is how the world system is like, to them it's just a numbers game. I can't even give not even 1%. Put me under law, I just can't function. They think they have more numbers, means they have more sales. However praise be to Jesus, with my low resumes sent, I have the most interviews in a week. Only Jesus can use the little that you have and give back to you plenty. That's my Jesus.

I enjoy my work, and I enjoy this position that was given to me by the Lord, only He can put me in the right place at the right time. So no more stealing from me, you devil. All this ends tonight.

Anyway, I'm gonna speak that extreme grace and favor be shown to me from this person. Because I don't deserve it but Jesus died so that I get it. As Jesus is, so am I in this world. Jesus you said "vengeance is Mine" so I'm going to leave this person to you. You take care of him for me. Thank you Lord.

Curse it

It's been 3 weeks already and still no progress for the resumes that I've sent. Must be some hindering from somewhere. I'm angry, these candidates and interviews are supposed to be mine. Because of who I am in Christ.

Super dislikes the new girl that came in this week. Don't know why I just find her annoying.

Anyway I'm blessed whether or not I I'm in this job. It's just one of the many channels to bless me.

Terrible mistake

Again my old self is back to haunt me.. My anger that I cannot control myself, leading to me making a break up that eventually I regretted and said sorry and ask to be forgiven

I did it so many times that I still don't learn and I dont even know where I should learn

My new job started 2 weeks ago and now this is the 3rd week I took 2 days of urgent leave already. What is the matter with me

I keep wanting to do things my way and not do anything when I don't like it

That's just me, nothing good can come from me

Jesus is my savior, with Him I have everything and can do all things even though I super don't qualify for it

How to be disciplined? I really can't and I'm really not capable of being disciplined

Jesus help is really all that I need right now

I screw up time and time again it's annoying me even

Why can't I say the right things
Why do I always want to hurt people

I find it difficult to even meditate or keep to a schedule or even try doing it

Even for this I really need help
How is help going to come when I don't even bother to really be diligent about spending time with Jesus

Even if I want to look to Jesus I think I need a lot of help for this too

How what should I do?

It's so difficult on my own , Lord I need you now

Just 4 days into it

Today marks the 4th day for me back to the workforce, it was really tough for me on the first day. I had no idea what the people were talking about. What to do, what I should say, how I should approach my colleagues. I felt really lousy. But I thank God for His Grace and Mercy for me. I have people at work who are helping me, and I really need all the help I can get. I can't do it alone.

I just want to run to you Jesus. I feel sad that I cannot spend my time as much as I want to at home already. Or time with my partner as much as I used to do. Our time spent together seems to be just minutes. He seems happy or so it seems to me.

Happy to be a nobody

The Lunar New Year and Christmas family gathering taught a couple of things. After going through so much for the past few years, your life has been built up on our work status as your identity, take that away and you become a nobody.

It was scary at first to come to the realization of it, especially if you have built your life around work and your friends are mostly your colleagues. Once you don't have your dream career anymore, people look at you differently, they begin to pretend you are non existent because you are no longer somebody, you no longer have that salary, you no longer have that position.

When you have come to completely having nothing much in your life, society shuns such people. But I'm thankful that my Jesus doesn't say that and will never do that. He says to me, when you have nothing I AM your everything. Whatever He has He gives to me. There is no one else like Him. I just want to enjoy Jesus more and more. Want Jesus to fill my life. Because no one and nothing in this world, no job, no amount of wealth, no parent, no friend, no lover, no material thing can ever replace Jesus love for me.

My life is blessed already when I have the Blessor in my life and living in my heart. :)