Now I know.. I'm the one stopping myself from receiving my blessings

Yes guilty, sinner, me. After accusing everyone around me even my friends, family and the ones closest to me. I blame everyone for my mistakes for the wrong paths that I take, for the wrong feelings and emotions that I feel. It's just me. So typical of my flesh to so easily blame others. But I am redeemed, I am made clean. I just need to know not to self condemn.

What i was conscious of was My wrong mind set and wrong believes were the cause of me not seeing my blessings that are already around me, orders that were supposed to come in months way before were hindered because I didn't even have faith in the God who loves me. I didn't have faith in His word, I took it as secondary.

But yet He still loves me. He still wants to remind me that He will not forsake me.

And He did. In my moment where I felt lost and afraid, He showed me. That was when I really gave up whatever I thought would work and just leave it to Him to handle it. All I have to do is enjoy what I enjoy doing. And orders after orders just came pouring in. Best was when I thought my site was ugly and the products I sold were not even worth looking it. The orders just came in on the site direct, not through another platform which is more popular with good traffic. Not once but many times. PTL!

Now I know.. it's not me who supplies but my supply is from heaven. My God supplies all my need. I just lean on His arm of strength.

I have no idea where these buyers come from but I know now that I'm already blessed and no one can take it away from me. Because my Jesus paid for it, so I'm gonna take it and claim and claim full restoration in 100 fold for those months that were stolen from me. And even more!

No longer will i condemn myself nor let others make me feel condemned.

My Jesus who doesn't even judge me and loved me so much He died for me at the cross. So that I could receive His abundance of grace and gift of righteousness. I don't even deserve it but I get it.

Lord I lean on your wisdom, show me how. Show me the things that I don't even know that I don't know. Show me the things that I thought I knew but actually don't know. I want to know You.

utterly saved

I'm so saved utterly saved.. even if I try to run away from it even if I try to deny it even if I try to deny my God exists. He never fails to find me, He never fails to perform, He never fails to love me, He never fails to bless me. And He never stops reminding me of His love for me.

I'm chosen, even in my mothers womb. He chose me. Just so loved that a sinner like me can receive all these because of Jesus perfect work at the cross.

No matter how depressed I was the past couple of days, no matter how my thoughts run about thinking that the whole world hates me. He chose to love me, to die for me. He wants me to know that He will protect me, that no weapon formed against me shall prosper.

Jesus is a real person.

not my kinda religious style

ok this kind of way of seeking the Lord Jesus doesn't suit me at all.. spend time in the word spend time in the word.. didn't bring me anything much for the past few months.

only when I decided to give up then things started moving for me.

why can't these people just understand that some people cannot be forced an not everyone suits their style of talking to Jesus.

every time he doubts me whether I spend time with Jesus, everytime he tries to correct me and tell me that I am wrong. my way of spending time with Jesus is wrong.

I will seek the lord when I want to seek the lord. the lord will never leave me anymore any way, he is here for me even when I watch my drama movies. why can't I just do things the way I want to do it. not everybody has to subscribe to the same method.

anyway I cannot stand these hypocrites, everytime comment about other peoples lives. we all need help we all need Jesus. he just cannot stand it when I'm stating what I see happening in front of me especially pertaining to that one person whom he completely worships the ground that he walks on and he is not even God!

these frustrating thoughts shall be gone soon.. after letting it go here I feel like I have unloaded

sometimes the one you love and the one closest to you is the one who will stab you from the back and attack you and worst still claim that they do it because they love you. they will say mean and nasty things in front of you face thinking that because we are close in relationship that it will not hurt. why am I always disappointed?

in my time of need He supplies

brought some of my old jewellery to the pawnshop today, didn't know that the stuff my exs gave me actually have some value to it. Anyways got about $630 from them. ptl

Don't enjoy Friday gatherings

Every Friday there would be a certain group of people who meet at a cafe to talk for 5 hours at least, majority of the time casual idle talking which I personally would not like to be part of it.

Talking bad about other peoples mishaps and how they are not receiving their blessing. I don't enjoy such fellowship at all. Apart from the part that they do really discuss about verses in the bible. the rest of the evening's conversation does not attract me at all.

I can't wait for these meetings to dissolve and not happen anymore. Or perhaps they could just stick to shorter meetings. I completely cannot click with this group and feel much better alone or in small groups.

Sometimes I just wonder if this is what I really wanted and if this was what God really wanted for me.

I can't help but look back and think, was I being cheated into thinking that this was the right relationship for me. or did I just want a relationship so much that I just jumped into it.

Tonight I want to be selfish and just ask that from now onwards no more Friday meetings. You love me right God? You know what to do.

Happier today.. you can't take it away!

Happy today with new website going up and more testings to better refine the site. Selling platforms are having transactions now everyday. So really enjoying the process.

I'm finally enjoying my work! used to think that I have to work hard to have money. But now money has no hold on me. Not that I don't need it but it feels good not having it to drive me. But what I do now seems more meaningful to me than what I used to do last time.

I do need to be more organized though but will trust that it will be imparted to me.

Realized one thing, in my effort to go astray, I cannot. Because my thoughts are still of Him. I'm irreversibly saved!

Tried to go back to drinking to drown out my heartache, poured myself my fav whiskey and it tasted bad in my mouth, decided to pour it away. Tried to go back to sleeping longer hours but found that despite that I had sales. in my efforts to go back to the bad girl I'm still being supplied grace. So how can I?

Tried my best not to read my daily devotion just so to rebel against my God, in the next moment I find myself opening up the app on my iPhone to read it and read it again during the day.

It's become a subconscious thought in my everyday life already. There's no running away from Grace. He will chase after me and come face to face with me. All I have to do is enjoy it!

Feel Loved

Don't know why but suddenly today I feel like as if my love has been renewed for him. A fresh desire to know him more, to see him from different sides.

But still it's hard to keep up with his pace, always walking 2 steps in front of me. Sometimes I find it hard to keep up. Getting breathless at times. I need strength for this, supernatural strength that I don't know where it will come from.

Had a good day today. :-)

Somehow I feel after that night, things have changed abit. It seems like he is slightly distant. perhaps its the work pressure. or the burden that he thinks he has to bear.

All will be well I believe. Good night!

big quarrel last night

after thinking and writing down so many reasons why he must go.. my final decision, I couldn't live without him.

I went back to him the next day. because I still loved him. even with his flaws I still love him.

this wretched person, me. is hopelessly in love with him that she cannot leave him.

this really sucks

somehow I feel like I got cheated into a really bad deal. and now I'm just settling for someone because I think I'm not good enough. standard has lowered down so much that even now that someone I think I'm settling for seems to take advantage of me all the time. not only did I have to pay always, have to help him dress up giving him free advice on where to buy clothes and what to wear. the worst thing is that he thinks himself really great.

from shithole to shithole I think I have outdone myself this time. agreeing to get married just because I think im turning 30 next year and won't get married out.. it really sucks big time..

came back from a wedding shoot a week ago and didn't enjoy myself. do all brides to be go through this or is it just myself. :(

Rain and floods in SG

It's been raining every day in Singapore. Floods in many places. Sigh, somehow feels like my life. The rain doesn't seem to go away.

I have tried to listen to His word but it seems nothing wants to be absorbed into this mind of mine. All the preaching can't seem to penetrate.

Every day there seems to be clouds hovering above me like the weather report. When will this darkness ever end to bring the new season that I long for.

Little dizzy from the days events. Time to get some rest.

bills bills and more bills

bills have been chalking up and I haven't been able to pay up yet.. orders come in but it's not the right ones that I want.. Lord if you really want to help me at least choose the right way.. don't send me in circles having to worry about it..

like seriously even if I want to sell my car it seems really "easy".. and the ad has to be renewed again.. sigh.. waste money again

it's like everything that can go "right will go "right" with me.. oh man I am really such a "success"!

how does a person handle 5 different credit card bills at a time.. you really need a Big God for this.. when is my Big Brother gonna appear and save me? perhaps He will see my teeny bit of faith tonight and open the windows of heaven upon me tonight..

yet I still hope

I said many things and was angry with God for not performing what He was supposed to do, for not coming to my defense.

I blamed Him for not protecting me because whatever it seems like is just not happening for me.

But yet this morning I woke up with little teeny bit of hope. Hoping that all will be well, that future seems so far away.

The year is coming to an end in 2 months. Thus far it seems like everything that can come against me is against me. How can it be said that i have met Jesus. I didn't think it would be this way. Always thought that after meeting Him I would be protected, all my worries would desolve. But it doesn't seem to be this way at all.

Have I been cheated? At the moment I feel as if I have been. By those lies I have been hearing. Want so much now to crush away the least bit of hope that I have now and not hope at all. So that I won't be disappointed.

feeling down

I'm feeling down again today.. my deliveries were delayed and it seems like the flow has stopped.

How I do change this? who will help me? I guess I don't want to receive help and I just prefer running away.. how about another country or another place.. can I start over again?

I've cried so many nights, cant help but feel emotional. Seems like my pain is back to haunt me again. Maybe it all ends here..

perhaps the hurt was so bad it didn't get healed at all.

didn't attend the meeting today, didn't feel like the mood to talk to anyone. I guess it's better this way. to slowly pull myself away. it was never meant to be anyway.

it's always been like that for every phase of my life.. it's becoming second nature to me already.. I would run away from things, people, work, places..

I'm silly I guess and foolish also. Refusing to be helped too. Such pride is useless.